Let go of trying to create a Self

Broke open an old soul-favorite of mine this weekend, A Circle of Quiet.  Madeleine uses the idea of being "in proportion" and "out of proportion" as a way of talking about being centered.  Her words help me find proportion, and her ease with her own being reminds me to be gentle with myself.

I tend to fuss a bit over the idea of selfhood--identity--who am I? Am I expressing myself as who I truly am and want to be?  And then I read this passage in A Circle of Quiet, and was immediately brought into proportion. The journey of selfhood is one to be only reflected on gently and held loosely.  When the self is analyzed and dissected, the self in its essence loses a bit of self-ness.  Our selves appear when we are most fully living and least appear when we are trying to create "Self".

Here is how Madeleine says it:


"If I try self-consciously to become a person, I will never be one.  The most real people, those who are able to forget their selfish selves, who have true compassion, are usually the most distinct individuals.  But that comes second.  Personhood comes first, and our civilization tempts, if not teaches, us to reverse the process....

The people that I know who are most concerned about their individuality, who probe constantly into motives, who are always turned inwards towards their own reactions, usually become less and less individual, less and less spontaneous, more and more afraid of the consequences of giving themselves away.

...I haven't defined a self, nor do I want to.  A self is not something static, tied up in a pretty parcel and handed to [us], finished and complete.  A self is always becoming.

--Madeleine L'Engle in A Circle of Quiet