True Self, Not Best Self

I commented to a friend recently that I was tired of not living out of my "best self".   That I felt I was always giving less than my best because I was full of responsibilities, projects, teaching preparation, emails, laundry, and trying to refinance my home.  I was met by a sympathetic ear. Yes, it's tiring to not be your "best self". It is limiting and disappointing to show up in life with only half your work done, with an overflowing email box, and many more people and things needing attention then you have time and energy to give.  I get exhausted and overwhelmed without ample space for creativity and leisure in my life.  I want to be ready for life-- prayer life deep, exercise complete, house beautiful, child delighted, self breathing deep of all the beauty of life.  This is living out of my "best self."
But wait, is this "best self" talk Jesus-talk or is it Oprah spirituality?  I am a fan of Oprah, I love the inspiration of living my "best life", being my "best self'.  But did Jesus call me to be living out of my best self? Is that my American culture speaking into my faith journey?
Jesus stopped the disciples in the temple and pointed out the one to watch.  It wasn't the church leaders with deep pockets who dropped coins noisily into the offering boxes--demonstrating their best selfness.  It was the poor widow who gave all she had silently and swiftly.  No clang of coin, just old hands giving all she had.  And Jesus said, "This is the one to watch.  She gives out of her poverty and not her abundance."
I wonder if Thomas Merton's idea of the true self is different than the best self.  Merton directs us to uncover our authentic being...to find our identity in the midst of the shadow and pain--to live out of the true self and not the bright, shiny, "best" self.  The false self is what we project to the world to keep us safe from what other people will think if we allow our true self to show.  We spend years of our lives cultivating the external false self so that people will know who we want them to know, instead of who we are. 
I do think that the best self and the true self are the same at the end of the day.  The true self is our place of identity and wholeness--which is certainly our best.  But the best self speaks of the cleaned up, all together, harmonious, balanced self that exists for others, not for God. 
I do want to live out of the true self.  Which means: being in process, incomplete, full of paradox and change, messy and tired--yet authentic, real, brave, and full of grace for myself and others. The best self can take a rest.  One day the best self will line up with true self--because I will really believe in my heart these words that I am writing here.  False self--shiny, complete, ready false self--you will have to move off of my aspirations. Oh, the beauty of Realness.  It's the only real beauty there is.


Thomas Merton talks to us about identity and the self:




“Our vocation is not simply to be, but to work together with God in the creation of our own life, our own identity, our own destiny… This means to say that we should not passively exist, but actively participate in His creative freedom, in our own lives, and in the lives of others, by choosing the truth. To put it better, we are even called to share with God the work of creating the truth of our identity. We can evade this responsibility by playing with masks, and this pleases us because it can appear at times to be a free and creative way of living. It is quite easy, it seems, to please everyone. But in the long run the cost and the sorrow come very high. To work out our own identity in God, which the Bible calls “working out our salvation,” is a labor that requires sacrifice and anguish, risk and many tears. It demands close attention to reality at every moment, and great fidelity to God as He reveals Himself, obscurely, in the mystery of each new situation. “ - From Seeds of Contemplation