Releasing the Agenda

In the garden of Gethsemane Jesus prays: Abba, if it is possible take this cup from me, yet not what I want but what you want."
Jesus is living out his teaching of Matthew 6: Abba...Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.  In Matthew 6, this prayer seems so right and sure.  Yes, God's will. Yes,  Abba, not what we want, but what you want.  Many of us pray similar prayers to this everyday of our lives. "God, I want to live in Your ways--not my will, but Yours. I give my whole life to You".
But in Matthew 26 this prayer takes on a whole new meaning.  Now, God's will seems impossible, fearful, terrifying.  Even Jesus struggles with it, asks, begs, for another way.  Luke tells us that Jesus is in so much anguish that he is need of supernatural care from an angel and that his sweat becomes like drops of blood on the ground.  This kind of struggle in prayer is an intensity I hope I never know.
I really don't have much--make that any--desire to pray that if Abba wants it that I will be brave enough to drink a cup of suffering beyond my imagination and comprehension.
I am willing to pray for God's will with Jesus in Matthew 6, but not in Matthew 26.

I am reflecting on Henri Nouwen's writings this morning from The Inner Voice of Love in regards to our work/ministry. Nouwen says: "Try to give your agenda to God. Keep saying,  "Your will be done, not mine". Give every part of your heart and your time to God and let God tell you what to do, where to go, when and how to respond." And earlier in this section he writes: "Start by not allowing...people and issues to possess you.  As long as you think that you need them to be yourself, you are not really free. Much of their urgency comes from your own need to be accepted and affirmed.  You have to keep going back to the source: God's love for you."

I gain so much from Nouwen who continues to take us back to God's love as the foundation for our entire spiritual journey.  I want to live in this love, rooted and established in the love and grace of God. Saying yes to God daily, hourly, minute by minute.  I want to pray without struggle: "Your will be done".
But humanness says to me: but only as long as it makes sense to me and to my soul. Only if it doesn't cause me suffering.  Leave Gethsemane good and away from me.

I wish I could close this reflection by saying here is how I am bringing it all together in a pithy and beautiful way where I embrace suffering and love as signs of the presence of God in my life.  But today, I only have this minute to say: I can say yes to God's will now. And I pray that in the struggle of my soul when my soul sweats blood (pray not my body), that I will continue to yes to Abba.

So today,
Amma God, with a beautiful name:
May your realm and glory come fully in my life and the life of the world.
May your will be done here in my life as it is done in heaven.
Give me just what I need today, not more, not less.
Forgive me for my sins and turning from you.
Teach me to forgive those who cause me harm intentionally and unintentionally.
Do not allow me to be tempted beyond what I can bear,
and rescue me from evil.

I give you my agenda today.
It is not easy to release how I want to be perceived and understood today. How I want to shape my ministry and my life and my relationships. 
Teach me Amma to trust your love which is my identity.